I R R E G U L A R ******** *** ******** *** ******* ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ******** ********* ** ********* ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ******* ** ** *** Polish American Jewish And Chauvinistic Bilingual Biweekly Bipartisan (8) The only cultural exchange on this godforsaken list!!!! Brought to you FREE exclusively by +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ + Editorial Staff: + + Water - 89.5% + + Alcohol - 9.5% + + Trace minerals - 1% + + ------------------------------------------------------- + + Among others: + + Red. Bezczelny + + (Editor-in-Grief) Dh. Adach Smiarowski + + Red. Zastepczy + + (PC Editor) (urlop zdrowotny) + + Red. Nieodpowiedzialny + + (Exp-Editor) (Nazwisko znane redakcji) + + Red. Polny + + (Field Effect Transistor) vacans + + War Correspondent + + (Kuwait) Kazek Duperas + +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ "Bawic sie slowami lubia starzy poeci i male dzieci." Tadziu K. ******** special section ********* "RAZ NA LUDOWO" OR SPECIAL SECTION FOR USENETTERS ad usum usenetti Polish jokes sort of became public domain. For diversion, we shall go with our favorite mixed PAJ (see the title) stories. PAJ Story #1 Moniek came over from Poland to USA and is looking for a job. He walks into some shop and applies for a position. The proprietor looks him over and asks: - Who are you? - American, of course - answers Moniek. - Where were you born? - In Warsaw. - So what American are you? - wonders the shop owner. - If I was born in a stable, would I be a horse? ******** end of special section ******** SCIENTIFIC CORNER The Laws of the Trail The laws were established in the 70s of this century by two peregrinating vagabonds Kazek Duperas and Adach Smiarowski. One of the earliest discoveries was The Law of Offensiveness formulated in Gdynia Redlowo while serving 48 hours for minor misdeamanor. This Law is given in english translation and in polish, for it has somewhat different tint in original wording. Ability to take offenses is indirectly proportional to mental capacity. Some other principles from this great collection may be published in the near future. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - RECENZJE Edward Gierek, "Przerwana dekada" Gierek potrafi? - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Fragment abecadla ......... Norbert Ninie na necie nauragal nieco, Ze rozsadku u niewiast szukac by ze swieca. "Swieca - owszem, lecz po co rozsadek kobiecie?" Nocami neka Nina Norberta na necie. ......... KACIK WSPOMNIEN 10 lat temu mielismy wlasnie formalny poczatek dzisiejszego balaganu. Piesn ludowa byla optymistyczna. Oto piosenka spiewana przez bardow po calej Rzeczypospolitej. Zapis pochodzi z 1980 roku z recitalu Bolka Grotowskiego (?) w Gdyni. SIERPIEN '80 W czasach, kiedy stanialy lzy, Bo nas byle kto na sile rozczulal, Pelnym brzaskiem zalsnilo spod rdzy Wyswiechtane slowo "postulat". I juz nie brzmi dla nas jak szyfr Stary wiersz o wspolczesnej tresci: "Sa w Ojczyznie rachunki krzywd, Lecz nie obca dlon je przekresli ..." Wiec zostana w nas te noce nieprzespane I te bramy fabryczne wsrod kwiatow, Gdy przestala nagle byc sloganem Dyktatura proletariatu. Kiedy sluchal w napieciu kto zyw, Niespokojnych, niepewnych wiesci, Ze sa w Ojczyznie rachunki krzywd, Lecz nie obca dlon je przekresli ... Beda o tym legendy pisane, *) Beda sluchac przyszle pokolenia, Ze raz kiedys narodowe flagi Wywieszono bez rozporzadzenia. Ze sie zdarzyl madry, piekny zryw, Ze Polacy rzekli, gdy sie zeszli: Sa w Ojczyznie rachunki krzywd, Lecz nie obca dlon je przekresli. Wierze w kazdy nowy dzien, i rok, i miesiac, Sprawiedliwszy, obfitszy, laskawszy. Wierze bowiem w Sierpien 80, Co zostanie strzezony na zawsze. Jak solidny dokerski nit **) I ten wiersz co powiada, ze jesli Sa w Ojczynie rachunki krzywd, To nie obca dlon je przekresli ... *) Juz sa. **) Mamy podejrzenie, ze autorem jest p. Andrzej Waligorski (Wroclaw). To ze stylu. A na pewno ktos oddalony od morza. To z gafy "dokerski nit". INTERNATIONAL CULTURAL EXCHANGE Zanotowano aktywnosc!! Dla sympatycznego p. Lucusia z turnusu skandynawskiego od niewatpliwie (oczywiscie) sympatycznego p. Waldusia z Kola Podbiegunowego bylo pucio-pucio. KRONIKA TOWARZYSKA Towarzysz jest zaliczany do inwektyw. Zydlak, glab, cwok, idiota, gnojek -- wracaja do bon-ton'u. CULTURAL NEWS FROM AROUND THE WORLD MOSCOW (TASS). The Communist Party chief governing body - the Politburo - gathered yesterday to discuss the results of operation "Vot Siurpriza". The outcome of the operation appears to go far beyond the boldest speculations. After reinstating communist governments all around the Eastern Bloc, chief ideolgists from allied communist parties express their strong belief in the future growth and expansion of communism as the only realistic social alternative for mankind. According to A. Bontsch- Bruyevitch, the Politburo spokesman, the operation had a twofold character. "First of all, by relaxing visibility of control, we prompted a lot of counterrevolutionary acitivities, which we've been observing and studying for many months to completely purge it last week. Secondly, we convinced our societies, and entire world for that matter, that lack of our leadership results in sinking into total chaos and social disorder. To show this, we didn't need a bit of propaganda -- so called democratic forms proved their uselessness ..." (From Editor: This article has not been published as of today. We obtained it from a trustworthy source.) *********** ENVIRONMENTALISTS' SECTION ****************** Are you done with it? Then recycle!! ********************************************************************* FROM KAZEK'S BASEMENT Don't have time, folks. I am dismantling several distilleries left here by my compatriots. Copper is getting expensive. Americans are buying mash and everything. Will have fun during Christmas. Kazek (basement in Kuwait) ********************************************************************* KABANET "BZDETY NA NETY" ma zaszczyc/przedstawic/niepotrzebne skreslic przedstawienie sportowe "CZWORKA BEZ STERNIKA" Pierwszy: Iiiy raaaaaz! Drugi: Iiiy dwaaaaa! Trzeci: Iiiy trzyyyy! Czwarty: Iiiy czteery! Pierwszy: Iiiy raaaaaz! Drugi: Iiiy dwaaaaa! ...... ...... ...... (Trzask! Huk! Raban! Plusk! Wrzaski!) Pierwszy: ... mowilem, psiakrew!, ze zle liczymy! KURTYNA (tez sie zanurza) ******************************************************************** WIADOMOSCI KULTURALNE Z KRAJU Krusza sie ostatnie opoki... Wracamy do prawdy! Po raz pierwszy od wielu, wielu lat, uczniowie szkol podstawowych dowiedza sie o prapoczatkach Slowianszczyzny bez ideologicznych poprawek! KEN wycofala z lektur szkolnych pozozstalosci wiekow rusyfikacji. Prawda, swym zwyczajem, wyszla na wierzch. Nasza mlodziez od dzis uczyc sie bedzie o Lechu, Czechu i Adachu. KACIK CZARKA KOLBERGA It has been brought to our attention that this section is more chauvinistic than others and remains closed for non-Poles. Indeed, this is the case! For here we present unexpurgated pieces of so evident polish folklore. Most of the material comes of course from traditional polish wedding ceremonies. And now we come to the point. Although we participated in many a wedding in the USA we were unable to gather any equivalents of polish "przyspiewki", or any traditions, in that matter. So, in order to give our international audience some taste of this favorite column (notwithstanding exposing polish audience to the original american lore), we shall present the famous speech of Sen. C.F. Johnson. There are plenty people in the South, who eagerly tell you this story. In fact, we ran across an old disc (78 rpm) which had this piece recorded. Aha, a word of warning is due. Them city folks may find the followin' fragments indignant (offensiveness is in vogue). Note that a flag issue, another fashionable subject, is also touched by Sen. Johnson. "... widze i opisuje, bo tesknie po tobie ..." ********* One time there was a goddam Yankee moved to Arkansas, and got elected to the Legislature. And he put in a bill to make Arkansas rhyme with Kansas, just because it is spelled that way. The Arkansawyers got pretty mad and begun to stomp and holler. One old man hollered louder than anybody else and finally rest of'em quitened down to hear what he had to say. "Mr. Speaker, God damn your soul," says he, "I'm Senator Cassius F. Johnson from Johnson County, where we raise men with peckers on, and the women are glad of it. Why, gentlemen, at the tender age of sixteen them girls can throw their left tit over their right shoulder, and squirt milk up their ass-hole as the occasion demands! When I was fourteen years old my prick was big as a roasting-ear, the pride and joy of the whole goddam settlement. Gentlemen, I could piss half-way across the Ouachita!" Everybody clapped when they heard that, but the Speaker begun to holler "Out of order!" and pound on his desk. "You're goddam right it was out of order," says Senator Johnson, "otherwise I could have pissed clear across the son-of-a-bitch! That's the kind of folks we raise in Johnson County, gentlemen. And now comes this pusillanimous blue-bellied Yankee who wants to change the name of Arkansas, and he compares the great state of Arkansas to K a n s a s! You might as well liken the noonday sun in all its glory to the feeble glow of a lightning-bug's ass, or the fragrance of an American Beauty rose to the foul quintessence of a Mexican burro's fart! Can all the power of this Assembly enlargen the puny penis of a Peruvian prince to a ponderous Pagan prick, or the tiny testicles of a Turkish tyrant to the bulky bollyz of a Roman gladiator!? Change the name of Arkansas? Great God Almighty damn! No, gentlemen! Hell fire, no!! What the God damn hell is things a-coming to, anyhow? Why, gentlemen, it's got so a man can't take down his pants for a good country shit without getting his ass full of birdshot. Change the name of Arkansas? Great God Almighty damn! You may piss on Jefferson's grave, gentlemen. You may shit down the White House steps, and use the Declaration of Independence for a corncob. You may rape the Goddess of Liberty at high noon, and wipe your tallywhacker on the Star Spangled Banner. You may do all this, gentlemen, and more. But you can't change the name of Arkansas! Not while one patriot lives to prevent such desecration! Change the name of Arkansas? Hell fire, no!" The Yankee's bill was killed, dead as a whore's turd in a piss-pot. Them son-of-a-bitches up North think the whole story was just a joke and Senator Johnson didn't make no speech at all. But the truth is that Senator Cassius F. Johnson jumped into the breech that day to save the Bear Stae from treason and disgrace. *********** WASZYNGTONSKIE NOCE (cykl melodyczny) Przechadzka Op. 1 Andante cantabile ... duzo brunetek ... ************************************************* * This product is delivered as is. * * Contents may get distorted during * * reading and pondering. * * Artykuly zamawiane i niezamawiane * * redakcja wypija i zwraca bezpowrotnie * * Numer zamknieto z redakcja * * 9/2/90 * *************************************************